We have arrived! In hell via handbasket. I should really know better than to believe that things are going to work out for us. To think that we may actually get through all this. Every time I do something happens and we are worse off than we were before.

I received an email from the social worker at the kidney clinic that she was told that Keith does not qualify for a paid family caregiver. He does qualify for someone from outside the house to do visits. And, it was discussed with us. Well considering the panic I’m in I think I would remember having that conversation! So, I called and confirmed that he is qualified to have someone to come in and help him a bath and change his clothes. He is NOT qualified for someone to come in and take care of him medically and do things like his dialysis.

Without me as paid caregiver, I honestly don’t know what we’ll do. Keith needs pretty much 24-hour care. Unless they plan on moving someone in with us, I’m not sure what good they think someone stopping by a couple of times a week would do. It still leaves me needing to be here when someone else isn’t here…which would make working a full-time job difficult…which is why we’re trying to get the paid caregiver thing in the first place! Of course the person who made the decision and can explain it is out of the office until Monday. Which gives me about 4 days to panic about it.

cryinganglequarterAnd then I found out that the college Kayleigh wants to attend has improved her financial¬†aid package…but we’re still on the hook for more than $15,000 a year. I am crushed. I don’t know what we’re going to do. I’m working a few freelance gigs and taking care of Keith, which apparently I don’t need to be paid for, and he’s on Social Security Disability. Do you think anyone on the planet is going to give us a loan like that to pay for school?

I don’t know what to do. Normally, I have Plan B in my pocket (sometimes C, D, & E too). Today I have nothing. I always knew that both of these things were possible, but I thought if they happened I would have options. Right now it looks like we are fresh out.

We can afford to stay where we are until schools out. Then I’m not sure what we do. I wish I was joking when I ask if anyone knows if they still let you park in WalMart overnight if you have nowhere else to go.

mary-pickford-1963155_1280I realize that I’m panicking right now. I need to calm down and think. But damn it…why does this keep happening? I have tried to be a good person my whole life. I’ve tried to do my best to help others, be kind, be honest. Look where it’s gotten us – neck deep in crap creek. People keep telling me to have faith and that things will work out. But you all should see the pattern by now – things don’t work out for us. We get glimmers of hope and then we get screwed again.

I’m sorry if this seems rude, or whiny or something. I’m just frustrated that we cannot get out of this unending cycle of hell we’ve been going through. Everyone has a breaking point, and I believe we have found mine.

Now I have to go figure out how to look my daughter in the eye when she gets home from college and crush her dreams. Again.