I have a feeling this is going to be a reoccurring blog title, so I added the date. This is not either of the updates you were supposed to be getting this week. Those were eaten by WordPress or my laptop or just disappeared into the ether. And before I could rewrite either of them, reality bit me in the ass again. So instead here’s a not so pleasant, but very realistic, post.

This week is the last week I get unemployment. It wasn’t much, but it kept our heads above water. Basically, between the last day of November 2016 and January 1st, 2017, the very tiny bit of cushion that I had managed to save up was completely wiped out paying for Keith’s first two COBRA payments and health insurance for me. Close to $2000 I didn’t really have. That’s when I realized that I only had a month of unemployment left.

I’ve tried to scrimp and save, but we’re still screwed. New meds, Kayleigh getting hurt and me getting a sinus infection and asthma flare have just done me in physically, emotionally, and what very little I had financially.

dwarf-49806_1920It’s not the first time I’ve sat here and wondered how I’m going to pay for next month’s rent. Before you tell me that there are great programs out there, I’ve tried. With Keith’s disability alone we make a little too much for most programs. With no solid schedule to get out of the situation, we are disqualified for others. We aren’t without options completely, but the options we have aren’t great….like we have to actually get served an eviction notice before we can get help with the rent. Awesome right?

At the moment I’m scrambling between all the little sources of freelance work trying to generate any income at all. But $20 here and there isn’t going to cut it. I have something coming up that will probably be $100 a week, but that’s a drop in the bucket and short-term contract. I’m working to trying to get more, but it’s not easy. And yes, I could get a part-time job but then who’s going to be here to do Keith’s dialysis and take care of him every day? Yes, there are a couple of people who can help, but not all the time. It’s probably the greatest challenge facing people in this situation, how do I care for my family member’s health needs and keep a roof over our heads?

Once we get his Medicare straightened out, I can register to become his paid caregiver. But as today’s lost post was going to tell you (I will be posting that nightmare soon), what should have happened in December or January still hasn’t happened. Not that I’m going to be making a ton of money taking care of him, but when you add the freelance work I’m building we may be able to survive.

mary-pickford-1963155_1280But, today, I’m done. I’m done being a grown up. I’m done with the stress and worry and the fear. I’m done being the one that everything falls on. And I am way more than done with being the one who gets shit on again, and again, and again. Not just because of the last year, but because of years of hell that I’ve never really told anyone about. Is it too much to ask to be the family things go at least moderately right for? Is it too much to ask to be able to take care of my family? History tells me it is.

To be clear, I’m not asking anyone for anything. I’m sure I’ll figure something out. But, should anyone get this far and feel like you want to help, folks who are professionals or own their own business can use this link to visit Recommended.com (I’ve done freelance work for the site and have talked about the site on my professional blog). I’m part of their ambassador program and when you use the link I’ll get a small bonus for each person who registers with a name, bio and at least one recommendation. You can pretty much import everything from LinkedIn. It’s a great site that I really think will be a game changer.

I keep hearing that one day I’ll look back on this time and laugh, or be impressed with how far we’ve come. Right now I’m settling for surviving.

Now excuse me while I got eat cold hot fudge out of the jar.

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